hole-in-one

A number of years ago, I was about 6 inches from hitting a hole in one.  And every time I step onto the golf course (which isn't that often), I try to replicate that feat.  It is that moment of near perfection that brings golfers of all kind back to the links.  It is for that moment, that exhilaration, that men endure sand traps, and roughs, and water hazards, and trees, and slices and hooks and everything else.

I find myself overcome by those hole-in-one moments with Jordan.  Just looking at him is a hole-in-one moment.  There is a sense of peace- of completeness- that radiates through him.  I can see that peace.  When he is sleeping.  When he is looking at me, and smiling to the tone of my voice as I read or sing to him.  When he is feeding, taking in the thing that will help him become a big, strong boy.

Honestly, I have to admit that this whole dad thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I still find the beauty in having to change his diapers, but really?! It's just so often, and I only change them half of the time.  Staying up with him at night is hard.  Not for the lack of sleep really, I am used to operating on small amounts of sleep.  What is draining is the emotional toll it takes to see him in discomfort and not knowing exactly how to fix it.  I mean, it just really takes its toll.

But I guess that's why this is a team thing.  I know that I would not be able to do this without Steph and I know that she feels the same way.  I see her with so much patience, which is odd because its usually the other way around.  I wonder what it is really like for single parents or families with a dad who is frequently absent or disinterested.  I am grateful to have the partnership that I have.  And I will need to remember that when the times get tough (because I am for sure that I will forget).

So, after having changed 3 diapers in the last hour and 15 minutes or so and fed him 3 times in the last 4 hours (I know, can you believe he eats that much- the last was almost out of desperation, he was crying so loudly), I have to remember that I am trying to get back to that hole-in-one moment.  And I know that I will  experience it shortly...

Thought of the Moment: Tired