1/2 Day

I took a 1/2 day today.  I have been exhausted, feeling I have not seen my son enough, and knowing that today would be a long day, tomorrow too.  So I called in "sick" and slept in two more hours.  Sleeping in meant that I only got paid for half the day (as I have used up my "sick time" but I felt it was more than worth it).  Then I spent some time with Jordan.  As is becoming customary for Steph or I, I put him in our bed (because he loves it) and just laid next to him.  I laid next to him for about 40 minutes.  I might have dozed off for a minute or two, but otherwise I just watched him, hugged him, and kissed him.  The 40 minutes was by far the best 40 minutes of the last 40 hours.  Just being around him reminds me how much I love him, and how much everything I do affects him.

The rest of the day went pretty well.  School was ok.  Tennis was good, for the most part.

Aside from Jordan, however, the day brought about two reminders of the frailty of teenage life.  A student in our department was taken to the hospital this morning (while I was home on my "sick" day) because of suicidal thoughts- thoughts that may be re-enforced by the behaviors of a drug-addicted father.  The second, the recurring battle with depression of a kid who is close to me.  Both of these are a stark reminder to the stressors of life and tornado of emotions that was introduced to me this summer.  I believe that I have heard too many stories of teen depression and suicide in the last 4 months to ignore the fact that God is trying to prepare me for something, or that he is/will be using me for something.  I truly pray that one of the natural conclusions to this assumption is not the real cause.

Thoughts for the Moment:  Sun and Rain.

Sunday afternoon

A moment

Tonight I read Jordan a story; it was the first in a few days.  He was a little fussy, so I laid him down on our bed (which he loves) and laid next to him.  I talked to him a little bit and gave him the attention that he loves.  When I started reading, I moved back a little.  He became a little more fussy (I think because he could hear my voice but he couldn't see me).  After about 5 seconds of fussing he reached out his hand til it touched my arm and he knew where I was.  He kept "a hold" of me til I was done with the story.   Precious! Just by the look on his face, I can tell he loves when I read to him.

Date night

Steph and I went out last night.  Grandma Rachel stayed home with Jordan, and I felt good about that.

We went to MS Grill- thank you restaurant.com.  The ribeye I had was amazing!  Everything else was just ok.  Nice to try new places though.

I think it was the first time Steph and I were alone since Jordan was born (other than the 7 minutes for the circ- but I won't count that).  We had time to talk about Jordan, and so many other things.  We talked a lot about what it has been like with him, and the whole experience of having him.  Honestly, I can't remember too many specifics of what we talked about.  Actually, so much of my life in the last 3 weeks has just melted together.  I don't remember what time he got up, or how many ounces I fed him, or anything else like that.

I think it was nice to be able to reflect outloud with Steph about our experience.  Much of my reflection has been on my blog (which is mildly editied, of course), to myself, and to my co-workers (which have been a great help),  Keeping an open line of communication is really the only path to sanity, right?  It was also nice to pray before our meal.  It is something that we don't really do, but need to start doing more of.  It was nice to re-focus us back on our Strength, and ultimately our best resource in life.

Thought of the moment: Persistence.

Jordan time

Today was the first time in a few days that I have been able to just enjoy Jordan.  I can say it has been awhile because I remember it standing out in my mind and being special.  The house was full of family, but I had 30 minutes to just hold Jordan.  I wasn't feeding him, I wasn't trying to soothe him, I wasn't trying to give Steph a much-needed break.  I was just holding and loving my son.

He was so peaceful and calm.  He was beautiful.  I hope that I will continue to enjoy and appreciate moments like the one that happen tonight.  Hopefully, I will be more intentional about making them happen.

Thought of the moment:  Peace.

Back to School

Today was my first day back at work.  No tears.  No nervousness.  No guilt.  No Jordan though.

I was able to keep myself fairly busy.  It was good to see my co-workers and kids from last year.  Got right back into things- pulling a practical joke on Spriggs (he should know better than to leave his computer unlocked when I'm around).  Not having seen everyone for 3 months makes the transition easier I guess. Don't get me wrong, I'd rather look at Jordan than Lucille and Sam, that's for sure. My thoughts did occasionally drift home and wonder how things were going.  I'm more concerned because of his cold.  More concerned that Steph is keeping sane and getting a little rest than anything, I guess.

It was a long day considering I left at 6:30am and didn't get home til 5:30pm because of tennis.  I got home and just loved seeing Jordan.  He is so beautiful!  And his face keeps changing.  There is always something new to notice.  He was little fussy.  I gave Steph a break as she finally took a nap today.  I fed him 4oz and 1 1/2 hours later he was hungry again.  Gave him a bath tonight.  Not too into that.  He does like having his head washed though.

Both he and Steph are napping now.  Twins are up 8-2 and threatening to break it open even more.

a cold

Jordan has a cold.  The nurse said that he is pretty young to have a cold.  It has provided some more challenges to sleep and fussiness and such.  We have saline drops that we try to get in his nose and a  suction bulb thingy to get the "snot" out.  Sometimes it is effective, but it is always an adventure.  Putting the drops in is one of the few times that we hear him cry.

His cold has definitely increased his overall fussiness and restlessness, but I still should consider ourselves lucky because I think we still have to deal with less crying and fussiness than a lot of new parents.

hole-in-one

A number of years ago, I was about 6 inches from hitting a hole in one.  And every time I step onto the golf course (which isn't that often), I try to replicate that feat.  It is that moment of near perfection that brings golfers of all kind back to the links.  It is for that moment, that exhilaration, that men endure sand traps, and roughs, and water hazards, and trees, and slices and hooks and everything else.

I find myself overcome by those hole-in-one moments with Jordan.  Just looking at him is a hole-in-one moment.  There is a sense of peace- of completeness- that radiates through him.  I can see that peace.  When he is sleeping.  When he is looking at me, and smiling to the tone of my voice as I read or sing to him.  When he is feeding, taking in the thing that will help him become a big, strong boy.

Honestly, I have to admit that this whole dad thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be.  I still find the beauty in having to change his diapers, but really?! It's just so often, and I only change them half of the time.  Staying up with him at night is hard.  Not for the lack of sleep really, I am used to operating on small amounts of sleep.  What is draining is the emotional toll it takes to see him in discomfort and not knowing exactly how to fix it.  I mean, it just really takes its toll.

But I guess that's why this is a team thing.  I know that I would not be able to do this without Steph and I know that she feels the same way.  I see her with so much patience, which is odd because its usually the other way around.  I wonder what it is really like for single parents or families with a dad who is frequently absent or disinterested.  I am grateful to have the partnership that I have.  And I will need to remember that when the times get tough (because I am for sure that I will forget).

So, after having changed 3 diapers in the last hour and 15 minutes or so and fed him 3 times in the last 4 hours (I know, can you believe he eats that much- the last was almost out of desperation, he was crying so loudly), I have to remember that I am trying to get back to that hole-in-one moment.  And I know that I will  experience it shortly...

Thought of the Moment: Tired

beautiful.

Tough day- tough baby.

Jordan was circumcised today.  For those of you with sons, this may be all I need to say.  But for my own sanity, I will record my thoughts:

I guess we will have to make tough decisions for Jordan our whole life.  And today was the first.  A simple medical procedure, without too much medical purpose.  The societal impact is hard to ignore.  The cultural impact is rather irrelevant for us.  But the family impact was huge.

We both left the room when Dr. Jiwa (we love her!) did the procedure.  We actually went to Caribou (I had a Mocha Cooler and Steph had a Wild Berry Smoothie [not as good as McDonald's she says]).  It was heart-breaking to know that we made the decision to put him through that pain- albeit a momentary pain in the grand scheme of life.  It was also the first time Steph was away from him; a momentary one, but one she will have to get used to eventually.  Dr. Jiwa said he won't remember it, and we'll probably forget in a couple of weeks too.  But it was really hard to make that choice for him.

The Dr and nurse said he did really well (which they probably always say).  Hopefully, our son will always stay tough in these moments, because there will be many.  Hopefully, we will stay tough in these moments, because there will be many.  Hopefully, we can approach the tough times in life, the unpleasant and painful (emotional and physical) times with a deep perspective.  Hopefully, Jordan will learn how to be tough (and we will teach him how to be tough) when times are tough.

Thought of the Moment: Empathy

Day 6

Today was the first day out of the house since we got home from the hospital.  (It has been a blessing to have Grandma Ratz here doing pretty near everything for us).  Took almost 2 hours to get everything ready.  And the crazy thing...  I got  a little nervous.  Nervous to leave the house.  Today Steph got to experience the stress of driving with the little one.  (Got honked at by one J*@%#*!! because she started to brake before the turn lane).

Stopped at our community/fellowship center (i.e. church).  We interrupted staff meeting, but I think that was ok :).  We all feel so supported and loved there.   Rent-a-grandma (Allyne) and friend/ministry partner (Kari) got to hold him.  

Then off to the doctor, actually a nurse practitioner,  for a check -up.  Everything went well.  He is almost back up to birth weight - a good sign.  Not a surprise considering all of the food he eats.  You'd think that at a pediatricians office, they would try to cut down on your wait time in the rooms, especially with babies who need to be fed and changed. Oh well.

Lessons learned: at the pediatricians office.  I will not be that parent.  The one who lets their kid crawl over everything and put their dirty hands on the fish tank glass.  Or at Chipotle: the one who lets their kid crawl underneath the tables where other people are actually sitting and then joking about it to them.  And putting them and their dirty shoes on the ledge right over where they make the food.  I told Kari (see above) that I will be the parent yelling at his kid to stop such things, so much so that other people look and wonder if they should call protective services.  (just kidding) But really, since when did these things become "acceptable" to so many parents. I really hope that I don't cave to that level.  Ok, I'm done.

Thought of the moment: Whelmed.

Could I get used to this?

Morning TV channel surfing:

Will & Grace
Hoarders
I Love Lucy
Ellen

I wish I was the one taking 6 weeks off :)

Firsts

Book read to him:  Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree

Song sung to him: How He Loves Us

Life has changed

Well, life is a little bit different from last week.  The amazingness of the journey that has led to Jordan's life is overwhelming.  Occasionally, I catch a glance of the enormity of what I am involved in:  the formation of a life.  Having taught and coached and mentored most of my life, it is surreal to think that now I, and Steph, will have the greatest impact on who he becomes.

The sounds and faces that Jordan makes help remind me of the fragility and beauty of life.  They make you stop and appreciate the little things.  Communication is shared through touch and instinct, rather than words.  Looking for the cues in his sounds reminds me to pay attention to the cues that happen in my everyday interactions.

There is beauty in everything.  In his face.  Which is ever-changing and so expressive.  He gets more beautiful every day.   In his soiled diapers.  It is the beauty of doing something for someone that they cannot do on their own, but desperately need done.  In breastfeeding.  Knowing that God created woman to experience the miracle of birth, and then created her body to provide everything that he needs.  In sleep.  Not only his but our own.  Sleep a necessity and a privilege.  A reward for a job well done.


I must remember to slow myself in the quiet moments and remember that this is all a gift from God.  Not something that I have earned, but an continually giving expression of his grace.  I must remember to always thank God for all of his blessings.

Thought of the moment: Thankful.